Coming Out as Gay
Have you ever felt dissatisfied about something but the environment around you was so uptight that you could not express yourself without fear of criticism? That was the situation I was in not so long ago. I had my first gay experience in my early teenage years during a school field trip. We had gone to the museum for a history class, and during the tour, I saw this girl from a different school, and they were concluding their tour. I have never been able to describe how I felt upon seeing that girl fully, but as soon as I saw her going to the restroom, I excused myself and followed her. We had a brief conversation in the bathroom followed by a friendly handshake, and for a moment it felt magical. I questioned myself ever since because I never knew what that meant. I had a boyfriend, and no encounter with him had ever made me feel what that strange girl in the restroom made me feel.
I was confused about my sexuality until my second encounter in my senior year in high school. It was around prom night, and everyone including me was busy preparing for the much awaited senior prom night. Everybody in school knew my boyfriend and me because of our popularity in the sports team. I was the cheerleader, and my boyfriend was the football team captain; this made us qualify for prom king and queen, and he was excited about it. In preparation for prom, my friends and I went to the mall one Saturday afternoon to shop. Our first stop was a newly opened makeup store. One thing that caught my attention was the store attendant. As he was explaining the different shades of foundation to us, I noticed that he was gay. His dressing code was that of a woman, the way he talked, laughed, and made facial expressions were clear indications that he was gay. It was the first time I had ever encountered a gay who had come out, and I was shocked but somehow relieved
The girls left for another store, and I made an excuse to remain behind because I wanted to talk to the attendant. It was not easy to start a conversation that could lead to how he found out he was gay, but he was such a natural person to talk to. Within no time, I narrated my first encounter and my confusion over the years. When he told me of his journey to gayism, I felt convinced that I was gay and I felt a sudden urge to come out as a lesbian. However, as strong as the urge was, I feared that the society would not accept me for who I was. I think the store attendant noticed my fear and it was at that point that he invited me to a support group that helped him in his journey to full acceptance of who he was. As I walked out of that store, I was sure that I was gay, but as soon as I got home, I questioned my sexuality again.
When I looked up images of lesbians on the internet, I could not help but wonder how they got the courage to come out. I wondered whether it was just a phase but the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became. The other major problem I faced was how society would accept me especially my family and friends. I was the first born in a family of three and anyone could tell that my parents were proud of me and my siblings looked up to me as their role model. I wondered how my friends would receive me seeing that I was the motion mover of the group and most times they looked up to me to make significant decisions. I also feared how the school community would receive the news considering that I was the most popular girl in school and most people held me in high regard. I did not even want to think what I would tell my boyfriend. We had been a couple since junior high school, and everyone including our parents knew we loved each other. We had major plans for our future, and there was no doubt that finding out that I was gay would crush him. That was when I decided to suppress my sexuality to protect my loved ones.
Time passed, prom came and went and soon enough I graduated from high school. All that time I felt as if I was living in a world with no air; suffocating because I could not express myself freely. I had what most people envied; a handsome and smart boyfriend, a supportive and wealthy family, a robust group of friends and I had just gained admission to a prestigious university. That is the irony of life, I had it all, but none of that mattered as long as I felt like a caged bird that yearned to fly, but the cage was always locked. Like a caged bird, all I could do is look at other birds in the sky and wonder what it felt like to fly so freely. The only difference between a caged bird and me was that I had the key to open my cage and fly away. Did I have the courage to do so?
One afternoon I took a walk, and I was strolling aimlessly, I saw a person walking into a building, and I remembered that address. It was the address where the store attendant had invited me to a support group for gays. Without a second thought, I walked in and found myself to the venue where the support group held meetings. It took me a few weeks’ sessions before I found the courage to share my story with the rest, but as soon as I spoke the last word, I felt a heavy burden lift over my shoulder. After more sessions, the urge to come out as gay become stronger and I knew that if I did not come out soon, I would explode or go crazy. I got new friends from the support group. One had already established his sexuality, and he had come out, and the other one had not yet come out, but she intended to tell her parents as soon as she felt ready to. I felt at peace whenever I talked about my attraction to other women and even expressed it fully when one of the group members asked me out on a date. That is the day I decided to tell my family, girlfriend, and friends that I was gay.
I still remember the look on my mother when I told them that I was gay. My parents were staunch Christians, and I was fully prepared to handle the harsh words they would throw at me about gayism and Christianity. To my surprise, they were not angry. My father was shocked, but he was not angry. They asked me whether I was sure about it and when I talked to them about my journey to that moment, they hugged me and assured me of their support. To date, that is my happiest moment because I had spent years in fear of my parent’s rejection, but instead, they had embraced me in unconditional love and support. Later that night, my father came to my room, and we had an in-depth talk about gayism. He told me of the rejection and stigmatization I would face from society and assured me that he was my biggest supporter and that I should never fear to pursue my happiness.
I remember that my former boyfriend never said another word to me as soon as I told him I was gay. He has never talked to me since that day, and he made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. I wish that he could give me a chance to explain that it was not a stunt to break up with him but a situation that I could not change. I lost a good number of friends who had harsh opinions about gays and therefore treated me as a social misfit. However, I could not compare how free and happy I felt to their friendship, and consequently, I counted my losses and let them go. It was not all losses because I gained a good number of friends from the support group who accepted me and encouraged me through the tough gayism journey.
The fiercest battle I had fought was from within. Accepting my sexuality and being able to come out was a big battle that I had fought successfully and I am now living in peace. I was a caged bird that always wanted to fly but was afraid of the high sky- now I spread my wings and fly high because I am free.