Adult Attachment Theory & Research

Adult Attachment Theory & Research

1. Chris Fraley | University of Illinois Publications, 2010

Research on Adult Attachment is guided by the assumption that the same system that drives the emotional bond between parents and children is also responsible for the bond that develops between adults in emotionally intimate relationships.

The theory of attachment was originally developed by John Bowlby, who believed that infant attachment behaviors, such as crying and wanting to be with a caregiver, were important and adaptive responses to separation from with an attachment figure.

According to Bowlby, the attachment system essentially “asks” the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure accessible and attentive? If the child perceives the answer to be “yes,” he or she feels loved, secure, and confident, and is likely to explore his or her environment, play with others, and be sociable. If, however, the child perceives the answer to be “no,” the child experiences anxiety and is likely to exhibit insecure attachment behaviors (see Figure 1 below).

Individual Differences in Infant Attachment Patterns

Mary Ainsworth developed a technique to study attachment styles, called the strange situation. Ainsworth demonstrated that individual differences at age 1 were correlated with infant-parent interactions in the home during the first year of life. Children who appear secure in the strange situation have parents who are very responsive to their needs. Children who appear insecure in the strange situation (resistant, avoidant, disorganized) have parents who are insensitive to their needs, inconsistent, and cold and rejecting in the care they provide.

Adult Romantic Relationships

According to Hazan and Shaver, the emotional bond that develops between adult romantic partners is a function of the same attachment system at work in infancy. The relationship

between infants & caregivers and the relationship between adult romantic partners share some features; such as: both feel safe when the other is nearby and responsive, both engage in close, intimate, bodily contact, and both feel insecure when the other is inaccessible. Hazan and Shaver argue that adult romantic relationships, like infant-caregiver relationships, are attachments, and romantic love is a part of the human attachment system.

Implications of Adult Attachment Theory

If adult romantic relationships are attachment relationships, then we should observe the same kinds of individual differences in adult relationships. We may expect some adults to be Secure in their relationships, to feel confident that their partners will be there for them when needed, and open to depending on others. We should expect other adults to be insecure in their relationships. For example, some may be Anxious-Resistant: they worry that others may not love them completely, and others may be Avoidant: they may appear not to care too much about close relationships.

Do We Observe the Same Attachment Patterns in Adults?

Hazan and Shaver studied the response of adults to statements such as “I believe others will be there for me when I really need them,” and how these statements fit with attachment theory. They found there are two fundamental dimensions with respect to adult attachment patterns (see Figure 2 below). One variable has been labeled Relationship Anxiety. People who score high on this variable tend to worry whether their partner is available, responsive, and caring. People who score on the low end of this variable are more secure regarding their partners. The other variable is Relationship Avoidance. People on the high end of this dimension prefer not to rely on others or open up to others. People on the low end of this dimension are more comfortable being intimate with others and are more secure depending upon and having others depend upon them. A Secure adult is low on both of these dimensions.

Cross-cultural studies indicate the secure pattern of attachment is universally the most desirable pattern. Adults seeking long-term relationships want a partner who is responsive, attentive, warm, and sensitive to their feelings and needs. Despite the universal attractiveness of these secure qualities, not all adults are paired with secure partners. Many people end up in

unhealthy relationships that confirm their existing insecure beliefs about relationships, and fit their infant-attachment style.

Secure Adults

Secure adults are generally low in anxiety, and low in avoidance. Their relationships are characterized by greater longevity, trust, commitment, and inter-dependence, and they are more likely to use romantic partners as a secure base from which to explore the world. Secure adults are more likely to seek support from their partners, and are also more likely to provide support to their partners. Secure adults communicate openly, and try to honestly explain their needs, while also trying to understand and meet the needs of their partner.

Secure adults can be made anxious when a relationship is in true distress, but they are not overly-anxious, and they tend to be trusting and to give their partner the benefit of the doubt. Secure adults are comfortable with both giving and receiving the love. They work to have an equal relationship, where the needs of both people are of equal importance. Secure adults seek true emotional intimacy and want a loving inter-dependence with their partner. They are not threatened by the healthy needs of their partner, and are not afraid to depend on their partner. They are able to be open, vulnerable, and to share the most honest and difficult parts of themselves. They feel secure that their partner will love them, not judge them, and will be there for them when needed.

Avoidant-Dismissing Adults

Avoidant-Dismissing adults are low in anxiety, but are high in avoiding emotional intimacy. Avoidant children, who withdraw from their parents, are emotionally distressed by the behaviors of the caregiver, but use their non-caring behavior as a defense and cover-up for their true feelings of vulnerability; the heart rate and stress hormone levels in avoidant children show that they can be very distressed by the behaviors of their caregiver even when they come across in a very cool and uncaring manner. In adulthood this pattern is referred to as Dismissing-Avoidance. These adults experience anxiety, but push it aside and don’t show it. They are not comfortable with opening up, and don’t like to trust or depend on other people. Avoidant adults strive to be independent, strong, and to never need anyone in any situation. They are not comfortable with a healthy inter-dependence, and prefer to be in control and to never need other people. Although they don’t show it, they are very sensitive to rejection, and others not respecting their needs. The Avoidant-Dismissing adult will hide their vulnerability by acting as if they don’t care. They can be quick to abandon relationships if those relationships seem at all rejecting or aren’t meeting their needs, and often the emotion they are most comfortable with is anger.

Avoidant adults prefer relationships where they are the strong-caretaker, and the other person depends on them; however, they are not comfortable with people they perceive as “too

needy.” They prefer “personal space” and independence, and do not strive for a deep emotional connection with a partner. They may seem like they fear or avoid commitment in relationships. Avoidant adults may use threats of abandoning a partner to keep the power in their favor, but will act as if the idea of the relationship ending is not at all distressing to them. Avoidant adults do feel distress and fear, but they push it out of their own awareness, or are afraid to admit it. They do not feel comfortable showing their human imperfections, and keep up a wall of perfectionism between themselves and those around them. They are often very critical and judgmental of others, but can also be very hard on themselves. Avoidant adults can come across as demanding and lacking in sensitivity, but their lack of compassion and inability to accept imperfections applies not only to others, but also to themselves.

Preoccupied / Resistant Adults

Preoccupied adults are high in anxiety about relationships, and also have a high need for emotional intimacy and connection. Preoccupied adults spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of them, and may exert significant energy trying to control and manipulate how others perceive them. Preoccupied adults feel a powerful need to be loved and close to others, and are extremely sensitive to any hint of rejection. This can result in needy and clinging behaviors, constantly asking for reassurance that they are loved, perceived positively, and are wanted and needed. They desire a lot of validation and approval. Even when relationships are going very well they often feel a constant state of anxiety about their relationships, and can become obsessive about what other people are thinking about them. They are concerned others don’t value them, and they doubt their own value in relationships.

Preoccupied adults are very comfortable opening up, sharing, and developing a close bond with others, and they may jump into emotional intimacy with others very quickly. Preoccupied adults long for love and closeness with others, but have a great fear of rejection and abandonment, so they worry a lot about their relationships. Because they wonder if they are important and valuable to others, they may act in sneaky or manipulative ways to try to control others and their relationships. They can be extremely charming and generous, but often there is an underlying motive to their gifts and kindness, which is to make others like them or feel obligated to them. Unfortunately the needy and manipulative behavior of the Preoccupied adult can drive others away. Those who love them may work hard to reassure them that they are valued and wanted, but because the anxiety the Preoccupied adult feels is internal and irrational it may be impossible to ever calm their anxieties. When a relationship ends the Preoccupied adult feels extremely angry and abandoned, which only feeds their irrational fears and anxieties for the next relationship.

Fearful-Avoidant / Disorganized Adults

Fearful-Avoidant adults are high in anxiety about relationships, and also high in their avoidance of emotional intimacy. These two issues are contradictory in nature, and can make

the Fearful-Avoidant adult appear “bipolar” in their relationship behaviors. They are simultaneously terrified of being abandoned, while also having a fear of commitment and being needed by others. The Fearful-Avoidant adult craves love and closeness and a meaningful connection, and may be very aggressive in pursuing someone they have an attraction to. They often push for a very quick commitment, and think the love and intimacy with this one special person is all they need to be happy, but this does not last for long. The Fearful-Avoidant adult wants emotional connection, but also fears it, and so begins to feel that the needs of the relationship are an overwhelming burden. They may suddenly burst into a rage, and accuse their “perfect” partner of being a horrible person who makes them do bad things. However, their fear of abandonment may make them beg for forgiveness and they may work very hard to romance and win their partner back, even if the relationship is not good or healthy.

At times the Fearful-Avoidant adult can be incredibly vulnerable, crying, opening up, and sharing the deepest darkest part of themselves and their struggles. At other times they are closed off, angry, and feel the world and everyone in it is against them. Deep down, the Disorganized adult feels they are unlovable and so flawed that they can never be fixed or truly loved. Although they may be charming and popular they secretly feel that they are not worthy of being treated in a loving and caring way by others. They may seem extremely confident, and wanting love, but they don’t believe others could really know them and still have a positive view of them, so they push others away, always expecting to be hurt. Although they desperately want to be close to others, they are also terrified of it. Partners sometimes think they are bipolar, because they seek intimacy and can be vulnerable, but suddenly become angry, blaming, and will refuse to discuss their feelings. Romantic relationships with the Fearful-Avoidant are volatile, can be emotionally or physically abusive, and exhausting and frustrating for both people in the relationship.

Can Attachment Styles be Changed?

Many studies indicate there is a moderate correlation between infant attachment style and adult attachment style. It is debated how much childhood attachment can be “overwritten,” but most believe these systems start in infancy and so are difficult to change, but can definitely be changed over time. If a person recognizes their relationships are not healthy or fulfilling, and gets counseling with a willingness to take a look what drives them to do what they do, they can make profound changes. Over time, individuals can move toward the Secure style of adult attachment, and change their life and their relationships for the better.