Hands of Time
The past has a way of reliving itself in the present. Our actions many years ago have a way of finding us even when we try to forget them altogether. When I was almost through with my high school education, I had a close friend who was also a neighbour. We used to have the best of times together and talked to each other about everything. I can confidently say my friend knew so much about me while I also knew so much about him. My buddy confided in me his worst of fears; we always found solutions to every problem that came around. However, one day he came over to my home, but I remember being so busy studying. I could not entertain him and I had to tell him to leave since I had an exam around the corner. The following day I woke up to the tragic news that my friend had committed suicide.
As innocent as telling my friend I was busy preparing an exam sounds, to this day, I still feel I could have helped. It turns out he was depressed and needed somebody to talk to. I was never there for him. My friend had been battling depression, but I never thought it could be that serious. It turns out I was the only straw left, and I let him down. If only I could have given him some few minutes of my time, then things could have been different. To this day, I still ask myself what I would have lost if I had given him even five minutes of my time. I still feel that if I could change something in my life, it would have been to listen to what he had to say, and maybe he would still be alive. It still haunts me to date that he was a friend of mine, but I was too selfish with my time leading him committing suicide, and leaving behind friends and family that loved him.
I would specifically change the events of that day because I lost someone very close to me. I sometimes feel like I lost a brother. Seeing the pain, his family went through was so depressing. Knowing that he had a bright future ahead of him still haunts me. It also got difficult for me to get new friends ever since. On the other hand, I get sensitive anytime someone tells me they want to talk to me. I always feel like I am reliving that moment, and if I do not give a listening ear, then the worst might happen. Another reason I still want to change the events of that day is that living each day, knowing I could have done something to prevent his death is hard. When I first heard of his death, deep down, I blamed myself because I knew it was my responsibility. I still feel indebted up to today that I could not help in any way. Although I know it is not right to keep the blame to myself, I have not yet been able to undo that day again.
On that fateful day, I lost a friend, a brother and a confidant. My life completely changed since he was like a support system. If he had not committed suicide, I would still have someone close to talk to. I wish he had lived to join college, maybe find a girlfriend and send me pictures of his adventures. I have not been able to get close to anyone since, and my life has been more of a lone wolf kind of story. I sometimes get over the guilt feeling, but after a while, it always comes back. When I go back home and pass by his house I am ever tempted to go in and ask if he is there, I want to imagine it was just a bad dream, and that he will one day come back. Although going back to time is still a fantasy, that is one thing I have always wished to change. I do not want to to make my life change in any way, I wish my friend would still be alive. I wish I could have known what he wanted to tell me. Did he want to say goodbye? Or did he want me to help him out in a problem he had? All that remains a mystery to me, but I hope that one day I will get the answers to my questions.