Writing skills

Writing skills

 I see that this is your first time submitting this draft. Each paper can be submitted up to three times, and after each revision, a tutor will offer additional feedback. Tutors suggest strategies to improve your writing skills and to help you become aware of errors you can fix yourself. I have attached your paper on cultural death practices (sounds really neat!) with embedded remarks [in bold and in brackets] and I have provided some next steps to guide you as you move forward.

YOUR CONCERNS: Outline and annotated bibliography. I see from the assignment instructions that those are part of this assignment and were due yesterday. However, that is not what you’ve submitted. Fortunately, you’ve left plenty of time for tutors to review the final essay!This is good because I am unable to respond to all the elements of an assignment that is longer than eight double spaced pages. I will focus on one or two areas of your writing this time, and encourage you to submit your assignment the maximum of three times allowed so that all major areas of possible concern have been addressed.tutors begin by looking at big issues, and, if there is time, review the grammar and mechanics.After you receive my feedback on these areas, I encourage you to revise and submit a second draft.

YOUR STRENGTHS:  Your writing is clear and easy to read. The topic is very interesting!

ISSUES NEEDING WORK

• INTRODUCTION

As a reader, I anticipate that your introduction will introduce me to the most important concepts of your paper, in brief. Another way to think about introductions is that they provide a road map for your reader so that they know what to expect as they read.As a reader of your essay in its current form, I don’t have a very good sense from the introduction of what to expect and as I read through the essay, I encounter ideas that I did not anticipate would be discussed. Revising your introduction will ensure that you have a prepared reader right off the bat.

As you revise your introduction, keep in mind these components of a strong introduction:

1. Orientation – provide the reader with general background information, or the context of the essay
2. Purpose Statement – state the purpose of the essay
3. Thesis Statement – State the claim that will be argued and the logic supporting the claim
4. Overview – Preview the stage through which the essay and its arguments will develop

Here is a diagram that I find useful for how to structure my introduction:

Here is a resource about writing introductions that I really like and that you might find helpful:
http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/introductions/

• THESIS

I have not been able to identify the thesis statement of your paper. You have a purpose statement, but that is not the same thing as a thesis. The purpose of an essay is what you hope the reader to learn. The thesis argues why this is an important thing to learn.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• What is the argument you are trying to make here?
• Do your assignment guidelines require to argue a particular point?
• What is the idea you are trying to convey?
• Does each body paragraph tie back to this central idea?

Use these prompt questions to try to structure what the core idea of your paper is.

If your reader is not convinced about your idea and that you are right with your position, then you have not written a persuasive paper as you failed to persuade your reader.

Remember that a thesis statement should:

• Answer a specific question
• Take on a subject on which reasonable people could disagree (in other words, it presents an argument, not a fact) and the whole paper should work towards proving that argument.
• Deal with a subject that can be adequately addressed, given the nature of the assignment
• Express one main idea

It is important to identify what the core argument of this paper will be and how the other arguments will offer support to this core argument, if they are developed at all. Your thesis statement should provide the focus for your essay, and so it is important to be precise.

Here are a couple resources that you can use to help you articulate your thesis statement:

http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/thesis-statements/

https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/the_writing_process/thesis_statement_tips.html

• EVIDENCE

There were some occasions where I was unclear about why you were providing me with certain information. This is one of the most important jobs of the writer: evidence does not explain itself, so you have to. After you introduce evidence into your writing, you must say why and how this evidence supports your argument. In other words, you have to explain the significance of the evidence and its function in your paper. What turns a fact or piece of information into evidence is the connection it has with a larger claim or argument: evidence is always evidence for or against something, and you have to make that link clear.

As writers, we sometimes assume that our readers already know what we are talking about; we may be wary of elaborating too much because we think the point is obvious. But readers can’t read our minds: although they may be familiar with many of the ideas we are discussing, they don’t know what we are trying to do with those ideas unless we indicate it through explanations, organization, transitions, and so forth. Try to spell out the connections that you were making in your mind when you chose your evidence, decided where to place it in your paper, and drew conclusions based on it. Remember, you can always cut prose from your paper later if you decide that you are stating the obvious.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself about a particular bit of evidence:

1. OK, I’ve just stated this point, but so what? Why is it interesting? Why should anyone care?
2. What does this information imply?
3. What are the consequences of thinking this way or looking at a problem this way?
4. I’ve just described what something is like or how I see it, but why is it like that?
5. I’ve just said that something happens—so how does it happen? How does it come to be the way it is?
6. Why is this information important? Why does it matter?
7. How is this idea related to my thesis? What connections exist between them? Does it support my thesis? If so, how does it do that?
8. Can I give an example to illustrate this point?

Answering these questions may help you explain how your evidence is related to your overall argument. When arguing for a point we need to address “what”, “why” and “so what”. That means we must clearly and explicitly state the point we are trying to make, present the most relevant evidence, and explain or show why that matters. Without tying the evidence back to the point readers are left wondering “So why does that matter? How is this relevant to the point you’re trying to make?” Can you identify areas where you maybe leave out this “So what?” portion? How could you go about fixing that?

This handout explains how and why you should explain your evidence: http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/evidence/

• CONCLUSION

This website is a quick and simple guide to improving your conclusion. Right now, your conclusion seems to be mainly summary, but doesn’t necessarily add meaning to your work. Try using the strategies suggested here called “challenging the reader” or “looking to the future.”

http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/conclude.html

• APA STYLE

Currently, your draft includes a number of facts that are not attributed to a source. This inclusion would be considered plagiarism if you were to submit the draft as-is. It is therefore crucial that this issue be addressed before submission.

You may have forgotten to include your citations or intended to include them in your next draft, but in case you weren’t aware that citations are necessary, I’m going to provide some information in this response about citations.

A research paper requires students to use and properly cite information from experts in the student’s field of study. However, research and sources make up only a portion of a research paper. Post-secondary institution level writing also requires that students respond in their own words to the information they have gathered during their research. Depending on the assignment, student responses could include reaction, analysis, or argument. Research papers must contain a balance of cited material and student writing and ideas. It is important that students properly cite any information or ideas that are not their original ideas or work. Failure to properly cite information obtained from any source (the Web, books, magazines, journals, newspapers, e-mail, listservs, CDs, graphics, television, radio, personal stories or interviews, etc.) is plagiarism. Even if a student unintentionally plagiarizes, he or she may face severe academic penalties ranging from an “F” on the paper to expulsion from school. That’s one reason to be very careful about citations.

The other reason is academic accuracy and quality. As a post-secondary institution student you have joined a community of scholars. The research papers you write as an undergraduate help prepare you to work as a scholar or a professional in your field. Knowledge in every discipline or profession is built on accurate research that can be easily traced to its source. Without that trail of citations, information can become impossible to differentiate from original ideas and readers will not be able to tell where information from one source ends and another source is introduced. Access to detailed accurate information is vital to the success of any job or project.

Additionally, it can be difficult to format a document and reference list properly. The best way I’ve found to learn a citation or formatting style is to compare your document to example.

Here’s a website with excellent resources on citation and formatting:

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/01/

Let’s get started! Remember, my comments are [in bold and in brackets].

BURIAL AND THE DEAD IN ANCIENT EGYPT AND EUROPE

The two common attributes that humans share is the experience of being born and the fact that every person will eventually die. Death is the final rite of passage and funerals are very important is it is a celebration of this rite of passage. After death, there is a need to dispose of the body, and this can be done through burials, cremation or entombment. Funerals are also rituals which are performed to ensure the spirit transitions into the afterlife. Funerals are also a time for friends and family to mourn for the loss of their loved ones. Funeral and burial rites, however, vary across several cultures (Amason, 2018). Therefore the aim of the paper is a comparison of the between burial rites in ancient Egypt and in Europe. The aim to identify similarities or differences of funerals rites in ancient Egypt and Europe. The reason for selecting Egypt is that there is significant literature providing information on the burial rites in ancient Egypt. The paper will provide a summary of various funeral rituals in different societies before narrowing down to ancient Egypt and Europe. A summary of is important to outline how various societies performed death rituals

When a death occurs, the body must be disposed, and the methods of disposal may vary. Bodies can be disposed of burials, entombment or cremation. Burial is the process of interring remains into the ground and is the common method of disposing of bodies. Corpses are normally buried as a sign of respect and it would be disrespectful to leave a body lying on the ground. The majority of societies believe in an afterlife and burial is considered a step for one to reach the afterlife (Amason, 2018). Entombment was a method of disposing of human remains in a structure referred to as tombs. Cremation is the disposal of human remains by burning the remains in a crematorium. In the event of a plague, bodies can be disposed of in mass graves [Always? Is there not diversity among body disposal? Some are burned, some are cremated, some are left to the elements, some are donated for science…]. The Qafzeh in Israel is the world’s oldest international burial site dating back to 10,000 years ago.The early humans buried the dead in caves where coffins were filled with items such as food, trinkets, and garments (Hovers, 2018). Some cultures would paint the remains before placing them in coffins and hold feasts to celebrate the passing. Remains were buried in family groupings. However, in communities focused on hierarchy, there were separate burial sites for children. The lack of burial space meant that coffins were stacked to create space, as shown in the figure below. [APA style requires in-text citations. This information is a fact (not an opinion) and therefore needs to be cited by the source where you obtained this information. Otherwise, this is plagiarism. Also, APA has a specific way of doing figures. You should check with your instructor if they want just APA style citations, or if they require the entire paper to be in APA format.]

Figure 1: Figure1: Coffins Buried in Caves

Babylonians and Sumerians believed that during death, the souls of the departed transitioned into the ‘underworld.’ [My understanding was that this paper was on burial rights in ancient Egypt and Europe, but these cultures are not located in either of those places.] The underworld was believed to be the space below the earth. As such, people were buried underground to be close to their new home. The dead were buried close to their homes so that their families could bring them food and drinks. This was aimed to ensure that departed souls had a good afterlife (Choksi, 2014). The dead were also buried with their personal belongings.[Just the one?] Egyptians had similar burial rituals, but there were notable differences. Egyptians used mummifications to ensure that dead bodies did not decompose and that they did not spread diseases to the living. Pharaohs and members of the royal family were buried in the pyramids. Pharaohs were buried in coffins referred to as a Sarcophagus, as shown in Figure 2 (Taylor, 2001). [Again, this paragraph requires citations.]

Figure 2: Figure 2: An Egyptian Sarcophagus

Europeans also had their funeral rituals. In ancient Greece, people believe that during death, the spirit was leaving the body like a breath of air. Therefore, burial was done immediately to ensure that the spirit arrived safely at the underworld. When people died, their bodies were covered in a shroud, and the corpse was anointed with oil. A coin was placed below the tongue to be given to Charon by the dead, who was the ferryman at River Styx, which was at the boundary of the world and the underworld (Retief &Cilliers, 2006). Gravesites were marked by statues and tombs that were brightly painted. The Romans also adopted the same rituals but performed flashy ceremonies to honor the dead. [You’ve provided a lot of information about death in some different cultures, but I’m not sure why. Right now, you’re giving evidence, but you haven’t provided an argument that the evidence is supposed to be supporting.]

Therefore, communities had different methods of burying the dead. For this paper, a comparison will be carried on how Egyptians and Europeans deal with death[be specific] and how they bury the dead. The paper will analyze how the afterlife is perceived among Egyptians and various European cultures such as the Romans, the Greeks, the English and the French[be specific]. Death is an important aspect of society. Thus, it is necessary to study funeral rituals in ancient Egypt and ancient Europe to discover the similarities or differences between the two regions[Aha! Here is your purpose statement and the start to your thesis. Why is it important to study death in historical societies when we currently live in the modern era? Are you also addressing death in the modern era? This information should appear in your first paragraph. Your introduction should not be 4 pages long.]

Burial Rites in Europe

During the Middle Ages, Europeans believed that once someone died, the spirit left the body and went to purgatory awaiting judgement day. During judgement day, the spirits were judged according to the life they lived on earth. The spirits of sinners descended to hell while those who led r[It makes it sounds like all of these 3 things would happen simultaneously.]This is because the majority of European countries embraced Christianity, and Christians believed in heaven and hell. People who led a sinful life while alive would go to hell, and those who lived a righteous life would go to heaven (Farris, 2014). Purgatory was believed to be a place where the souls stayed before going to heaven. Saints were the only people who were promoted straight to heaven, while the rest went to purgatory. Spirits would remain at purgatory before ascending to heaven. The last days on earth were crucial in determining the time spent there (Esmonde, 2000). Therefore, people would confess their sins to their family members and priest who would later pray for them.Prayer was important in ensuring a smooth transition into the afterlife.[Once you clarify and strengthen your thesis, the rationale behind this information may become clearer. But right now, this evidence isn’t clearly supporting anything.]

When a person died, a requiem mass was held at the burial ceremony. During the mass, the priest would hold intercession prayers for the souls of the departed: family, friends, and the community during burial ceremonies. For noble people, burial ceremonies had extensive rituals with several activities.Funerals for normal people consisted of short processions with minimal activities [word choice – this has to do with planetary orbits]. In Germany, Lutheran reformers opined to separate the living and the dead. Therefore, cemeteries ceased to be used as market places and were to be enclosed (Esmonde, 2000). However, this was met with criticism as the living were not willing to be separated from their departed relatives.

In England, priests had to be present at the deathbed – they led the funeral procession and accompanied the corpse to the burial site singing songs from the scripture. Family members and the community participated in the burial ceremony (Gordon, 2000). The Anglican Church in England banned intercession prayers for the dead. Therefore, the poor were provided with alms to symbolize remembrance of the dead.

In France, the priest was also present at the deathbed to offer last sacraments, assist in the writing of wills, and act as a witness. During death, the corpse remained in the house until the day of the funeral. During funeral processions, it is the priest who led the body along with friends and family. The corpse was carried by six men, followed by the procession. In royal funeral processions, the middle-class people were required to stand with torches and place black cloths on their houses as the procession passed by (Gordon, 2000).

However, with time, burial rites started changing with the introduction of inhumation and cremation of dead people.Cremation was introduced by the Greeks in 1000 BC as a burial ritual for soldiers who were killed in battle. The corpses were incinerated on the battlefield and the ashes taken back home for a  ceremony with family and friends. Cremation was then taken up by the Romans and quickly spread across Europe (Britannica, 2010). The practice became common due to the unsanitary conditions in overcrowded cemeteries.[Why?] Thus, the cremation of dead people was embraced in several societies (Sørensen and Bille 2008). Traditionally, people were buried according to the customs and wishes of the deceased (Williams, 2004). Cremation was prohibited in Europe since it prevented the resurrection of the body. Therefore, Christians proceeded with inhumation to ensure the resurrection of the body. Cremation is not a new phenomenon as it was widely used by the Romans (Rebay-Salisbury, 2012).

Cremation was introduced due to the lack of space for burial sites. Hygiene issues were also a reason why cremations were introduced in Europe. In 1874, the Cremation Society was established by Sir Thompson. This led to a cremation being legal in Britain in 1884. In Europe, the UK and Scandinavian countries had the highest rates of cremations, while countries with Catholic heritage did not embrace cremation. In Central Europe, cemeteries were leased for a certain period, and bodies were later exhumed to create space. The skeletons would be used as decorations in churches such as St. Stephen Cathedral in Vienna (Gruber and Bouchal 2005). Most philosophers, scientists, and doctors supported cremation.

Ancient Egypt Funeral Practices

Funeral practices in ancient Egypt underwent several changes at different periods in history.Ancient Egyptians took serious the issues of the afterlife that they dedicated resources to construct the pyramids. The pyramids acted as graves for the mummified pharaohs and their families. The pyramids would facilitate a smooth transition into the afterlife. In Egyptian culture, there was no belief in heaven and hell. Egyptians only believed in eternal life upon the death of the physical body (Dobson, 2018). After death embalmersweretasked with the responsibility of preparing the body for the afterlife. After the reign of Cleopatra in 30 BC, Egypt became a province of the Roman Empire. This resulted in the introduction of Christianity into the country. Christianity became popular in Egypt, and traditional funeral practices diminished. The focus was on the preparation of souls rather than the physical body for eternal life. Apart from Christianity, Islam was also introduced in Egypt in 670 AD by Amr ibn al-As. The construction of monuments to honor the dead were forbidden in Islam (Dobson, 2018). Therefore as Islam become popular across Egypt, the construction of monuments diminished. [I think highlighting this concept of change is important.] Just like Europeans, Egyptians believed in life after death. Therefore, Egyptians preserved the dead through mummification. Egyptians believed that the spirit would come back to the body of the deceased if the corpse were properly preserved (Baines, 2002). If the body had decomposed, then the spirit would not recognize it in the afterlife.

Embalmers were important in ancient Egypt. Thus, when people died, they were taken to embalmers. Once the body was taken to embalmers, it was washed and purified. Body parts that would decay were removed. It is believed that the Four Sons of Horus would watch over the organs (Baines, 2002). The organs were removed to ensure that the body was dry, and the only organ left was the heart. The heart was believed to be the seat of the dead person’s identity. The removal of body organs was done to free the soul to start the journey to the afterlife.

Later, the body was returned to the family for burial rituals. The body was not placed in a coffin. It was laid in a bier and taken to a waiting boat at the Nile. Another similarity with European rituals was the funeral procession. Servants and underprivileged people related to the deceased were at the front of the procession carrying food and flowers. The difference between Europeans and Egyptians is that Europeans did not bury people with their earthly possessions. Egyptians buried the dead with their belongings as they believed that such items were required in the afterlife (Taylor, 2001). In early history, servants would be killed to ensure that they attended to their masters in the afterlife. Burial rites in both Egypt and Europe had priests who led the processions. The priest performed rituals while touching the body parts to enable the deceased to regain their body senses.

Egyptians, just like Europeans, placed the dead on the left side of the grave. Egyptians believed in gods who created the universe and sustained it through magic. The gods welcomed the souls once they departed from earth (Baines, 2002). Souls had to make a journey into the afterlife. The journey depended on how the body left behind was preserved. Therefore, mummification was important in mortuary rituals. In Europe, the rich had extensive funeral processions while funeral services for the poor were short with minimal activities. They also had rituals for the poor as mummification was expensive and reserved for the rich.

Conclusion

Death is a fascinating area of study since it is universal, and various cultures have different ways of disposing of the dead. The constant theme is that all cultures believe that humans are born and will one day die. The difference is how the human remains will be interred once the spirit departs the physical body[Every single one?] For Egyptians, life after death was crucial, hence the reason people were buried with their families and personal possessions. People were buried in the ground to ensure a quick transition into the underworld. In European societies, disposing of the body ensured survival in the afterlife. Christianity, which was common across Europe, stated that the dead would go either to heaven or hell. Christians were not concerned about the physical body as they believed that bodies were not required in the afterlife.Therefore even though death is common across the world, the difference is how people perceive death and the kind of rituals performed after death. More is needed in your conclusion. It should reiterate your thesis (which still needs development) and include the main takeaway of the essay. Why was this essay worth writing?]

NEXT STEPS

• Review my feedback above
• Strengthen your introduction and conclusion
• Craft a thesis
• Ensure that all evidence supports your thesis
• Add citations and format to APA style
• Submit to WriteAway again for additional feedback

Thanks again for using WriteAway, Jaspreet. I hope you found the feedback helpful, and once you’ve incorporated it into your assignment, feel free to submit it again for additional feedback.

-Suzanna

References

Árnason, A. (2018). Death and Burial. The International Encyclopedia of Anthropology, 1-9.

Baines, J., &Lacovara, P. (2002). Burial and the Dead in Ancient Egyptian Society: Respect, Formalism, Neglect. Journal of Social Archaeology, 2(1), 5-36.

“Cremation.” Encyclopedia Britannica. 2010. Encyclopedia Britannica Online. Accessed 05 Oct. 2010 <http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/142492/cremation>.

Choksi, M., &Choksi, M. (2014). Ancient Mesopotamian Beliefs in the Afterlife. Ancient History Encyclopedia. Retrieved 4 March 2020, from https://www.ancient.eu/article/701/ancient-mesopotamian-beliefs-in-the-afterlife/.

Dobson, A. (2018). From Past to Present: The Egyptian View of Death. International Mission Board. Retrieved 4 March 2020, from https://www.imb.org/2018/05/04/egyptian-view-of-death/.

Esmonde Cleary, S. (2000) ‘Putting the Dead in Their Place: Burial Location in Roman Britain,’ in J. Pearce, M. Millett and M. Struck (eds) Burial, Society and Context in the Roman World, pp. 127–42. Oxford: Oxbow Books.

Farris, J. (2014). Jerry L. Walls. Purgatory: The Logic of Total Transformation. Oxford University Press, 2012.

Gordon, B., & Marshall, P. (Eds.). (2000). The Place of the Dead: Death and Remembrance in Late Medieval and Early Modern Europe. Cambridge University Press.

Gruber, R. H., and R. Bouchal. 2005. Der Stephansdom. Monument des Glaubens – Stein gewordene Geschichte. Wien: Pichler.

Hovers, E., &Belfer‐Cohen, A. (2018). Burials, P aleolithic. The International Encyclopedia of Anthropology, 1-7.

Mystakidou, K., Tsilika, E., Parpa, E., Katsouda, E., & Vlahos, L. (2005). Death and grief in the Greek culture. OMEGA-Journal of Death and Dying, 50(1), 23-34.

Rebay-Salisbury, K. (2012). Inhumation and Cremation: How Burial Practices are linked to Beliefs. Embodied Knowledge: Historical Perspectives on Technology and Belief, 15-26.

Retief, F. P.,&Cilliers, L. (2006). Burial Customs and the Pollution of Death in Ancient Rome: Procedures and Paradoxes. Actatheologica, 26(2), 128-146.

Robertson, K., Smith, T., & Davidson, W. (2018). Understanding Death Rituals. International Journal of Childbirth Education, 33(3).

Sørensen, M. L. S., and K. Rebay-Salisbury. 2008. Landscapes of the Body: Burials of the Middle Bronze Age in Hungary. European Journal of Archaeology 11, 1: 49–74.

Taylor, J.H. (2001) Death and the Afterlife in Ancient Egypt. London: British Museum Press.

Williams, H., 2004. Death Warmed Up. The Agency of Bodies and Bones in Early Anglo-Saxon Cremation Rites. Journal of Material Culture 9, 3: 263–291.