Foundation of a Strong Marriage

Foundation of a Strong Marriage

Interest in families and family structure is driven by the fact that the world is shrinking, people are becoming more interconnected, and there is increased need for international cooperation. The family is the basic unit for all known world cultures. When couple and family relationships are strengthened, communities will become stronger and as a result, national and international networks will be grown. A strong and healthy marriage is the basis of a strong family. It is important, therefore, to appreciate strong marriages as the root of a strong and functional society. A growing pool of literature suggests a connection between occurrences in the formative years of marriage and later marital difficulties and divorce. An understanding of the challenges commonly encountered by newlyweds can help in giving marriages a strong foundation through the development of effective premarital programs.

Foundation of a Strong Marriage

The foundation of a strong marriage comprises of the components of consummate love: intimacy, passion, and commitment as advanced in the ‘Triangular Theory of Love’. Robert J. Sternberg developed the tripartite theory to describe both the nature of love and how it differs in various relationships (Steinberg, 1986). The feelings of being close, connected, and bonded in a loving relationship make up the component of intimacy. Intimacy develops from having emotional investment in the relationship.

Passion, the second component of consummate love, comprises of physical attraction, and other drives that lead to romance, sexual consummation, and related experiences. It develops mainly from motivational involvement in the relationship (Steinberg, 1986). Finally, a strong loving relationship requires commitment or decision. In the short term, it refers to the conscious choice an individual makes to love someone else. In the long term, commitment refers to working towards maintaining the love. In order to understand how strong marriages may be developed, it is vital to first explore common problems faced by newlyweds. Additionally, it is imperative to identify divorce predictors; and come up with an effective premarital program that would help prevent divorce.

Problems newlyweds face

Challenges occur in every stage of the development of a relationship; dating, courtship, as newlyweds, and even well into marriage. Every individual has expectations they carry into marriage. For some, marriage represents financial security, emotional stability, and societal acceptance. It is not farfetched to say that some will also get into the institution for the promise of always being provided with proper food, well prepared and timely meals, and a clean environment to go home to after a long day at work. The first problem faced by newlyweds is the realization that marriage does not necessarily conform to their expectations. Division of labor in the home setting among the newly married is particularly challenging since it deals with expectations on household tasks. When a working couple leaves home for work in the morning, all the household tasks will have to be done in the evening. They will either experience satisfaction or disappointment in the first few months after marriage depending on whether their expectations are met or not. The patterns established in the first two years predict the marital outcomes after 13 years.

The problems newlyweds face are unique to every couple but the most common are sex, and the use of time and money. A study was conducted at Creighton University by the Center for Marriage and Family lasting between 1995 and 1999. Balancing time between job and family was listed by the participants as the number one problem (Lawler, 2001). Dual-career marriages account for approximately 60 percent of all marriages in the United States. An upward trend in similar unions is being observed in developing economies too, thus putting a strain in early marriages all across the world. Prior to marriage, couples make time to engage in activities that they enjoy and make each other feel valued. However, once married, they have to create a delicate balance between pursuing professional advancement at work and providing emotional support to a spouse at home. The situation becomes more challenging when children are involved since they also require serious attention.

Sexual relations also become an area of challenge to newlyweds. Spouses often struggle to understand the sexual language and needs of each other (Lawler, 2001).The struggle of balancing the demands of time affects expressions of intimacy and passion. Frequency of sexual relations also differs since the spouses may have dissimilar needs. Other challenges that are encountered by newlyweds are financial situation of the family, husband’s employment, and debt brought into marriage. These three challenges may be summed up into one term, finances. Running of a family requires financial prudence that may be interfered with when spouses have to now factor in the baggage brought into the marriage in the form of past debt.

Divorce Predictors

Epidemiological studies into the nature of divorce in the 20th century focused more on factors that improved stability of marriages as opposed to those that would threaten the institution. These studies have indicated that marital stability is determined by a myriad of factors. They include, but are not limited to: age at marriage, race, ethnicity, education, parental divorce or stability, length of courtship, cohabitation, and fertility (Gottman J. M., 2014). The sociological approaches used regression models that failed to explain the disparity in divorce rates across countries.

Some divorce predictors have been mentioned frequently among different studies pointing to their likelihood of validity. For instance, numerous studies suggested that early age at marriage increased the risk of dissolution (Gottman J. M., 2014). Historical analyses of past literature on marriage and divorce also identified the affectional nature of a marriage as a determinant of whether it would survive or not. The same still applies to date as marriage in most societies is out of consent. In-depth understanding of factors that increase the chances of a marriage ending up in divorce may be achieved by conducting long term studies, similar to the process to marriage dissolution. Even an unsatisfying marriage may take years before formally dissolving.

Divorce is an eventuality; but with a process attached to it. Gottman and Levenson published a report in 1992 in which they detailed their 1983-1987 study on divorce predictors. The duo used cascade model aimed at identifying trajectories leading to stability or divorce in marriage. In their study they hypothesized that ‘decline in marital satisfaction leads to consideration of divorce or separation, followed by separation, which eventually results into divorce’ (Gottman J. M., 2014; 88). The trajectory may vary among couples. However, the first predictor for divorce is harsh start up of conversations between the couple. An ailing marriage may also be identified by one of the parties being the originator of complaints and criticism that causes contempt leading to defensiveness and as a result the listener withdraws from interaction in what is referred to as stonewalling (p 110). These predictors are collectively known as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. When defensiveness and stonewalling become a common part of a marriage, they increase chances of dissatisfaction.

Intervention

When problems in a marriage are left unattended, spouses develop a sense of frustration causing marital dissatisfaction. Problems that arise in a new marriage may be addressed by development of appropriate communication channels. Since a strong marriage is founded on consummate love, interventions to problems faced by newlyweds should be geared towards its attainment. The following suggested plan could help couples effectively deal with the common problems the face.

A neutral environment should be identified in which the couple can openly communicate with the help of a duly trained and licensed therapist. Whether open or confined, it should be a place that both parties feel safe to express themselves. Couples should start by sharing their experience of marriage so far as compared to the expectations they had. In so doing, any feelings of dissatisfaction may be identified early enough to avoid them from snowballing. Openness of communication without blame enables development of intimacy which is a prerequisite foundation for consummate love. Open non-judgmental communication works effectively early in marriage as opposed to later. As a couple stays together, they develop defense mechanisms when they feel as though their psychological and emotional wellbeing is being attacked. Getting past the defenses is time intensive after a lengthy stay in marriage.

Secondly, after initiating open communication channels, critical issues of roles in marriage and sexual relations should be addressed. In dual-career marriages, the challenge develops in assignment of household tasks. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of pets, gardening and other repeated responsibilities are likely to strain one of the members, especially the wife, if caution is not observed. A stressed wife may not respond favorably to her husband’s sexual advances. As a result, the relationship suffers further strain. These roles should, therefore, should be equitably distributed. For example, a couple could decide to alternate between making dinner and walking the family dog or vacuuming the house. Appreciation is developed for the input of one’s spouse in the marriage; affection and commitment are thus cultivated.

Thirdly, a plan is created for finances in the marriage where both parties are required to be absolutely transparent regarding their financial situation. Couples can either decide to undergo financial literacy training together or seek the services of a financial manager. Similar to the aforementioned interventions, financial management requires sincerity that leads to development of intimacy and commitment. As duration of the marriage extends, it becomes increasingly challenging to reveal the debts prior to the union. Feelings of guilt are likely to plague the partner keeping the secret hence becoming a deterrent to intimacy.

Enriching marriage for future

A strong and healthy marriage is based on the preparation undertaken prior to making the commitment, and the work that is put in towards sustaining it. Premarital and marriage programs are of equal importance. They help couples build a strong foundation in the early years of their relationship, strengthens connections in order to prevent difficulties, and enhance love for each other (Skogrand, DeFrain, & Olson, 2013). Couples should, however, be cautioned from developing overdependence on these programs. Each marriage has unique dynamics of operation and as a result, the main skills required to handle any future issues are communication and conflict resolution skills. They are honed in therapy and with continued practice; they enrich any marriage and improve marital satisfaction.